Selah...

This is a little something I wrote...just because it's what was on my heart. Just to clear it up, if it is a little more ambiguous than I expected it to be, the italics are God talking to me, and the regular font is me. Enjoy


Tonight, my heart is heavy. From where this weight comes I don't know, but it runs along the banks of a peace that I cannot grasp, although it ventures close enough. My aimless journey has lead me by these shores many times, just enough to peer into the cool flowing water and see exactly what I've been seeking forever. Everything.

Selah echoes through my mind like the waning toll of a church bell reverberating off rocky hills. Captivating the mind with a sudden strike and fading ring, only to strike again Stop, and listen. Hear the song your heart wants to sing to me. Stop? Know peace? At what cost?

Everything. Lose yourself in me. Let your heart beat with brokenness. Let every step be lit by my word. Let the song of your heart be My song. You're looking for someone to love...love Me. I won't break your heart, I can't. I love you too much.

My passions aren't You, not enough. My still heart beats for another, for myself.

She will never satisfy you, she wasn't made to, not fully...

But...

Only when you rest in Me, knowing Me as your completion, will you know the fullness that the hearti of the one I created for you can bring. Only then can you truly appreciate the one you were created for. She's there, waiting for you, Nathan. Waiting for you to find Me, to trust Me. Don't worry, she's as anxious for you as you are for her. She's preparing, just as you are. I'm keeping her now, for you. Stop looking for her, look to Me.

Selah...

t is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
the sun has scorched the rising plans;
alas they have no root, the bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips,
dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip,
as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily i disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment i bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow,
where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
and offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you,
your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully i award you with betrayal,
the weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas' bowels and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end

well...here we are again

The question of College has come up once more...

When...is the big question on my mind. I'm getting older...had I gone with my origonal plan, I'd almost be done!

But as of now...I may as well have never started...because I've got a 1.5 GPA, which I don't think I can transfer with...

but if I can. My colleges of choice are

The University of Mary Hardin-Baylor
and
East Texas Baptist University

don't ask me why

now, if I could get into Texas A&M, then I'd go there in a heartbeat..but, I can't.

well, I don't know that for sure...I haven't tried yet!

but...big schools aren't for me.

College grips my heart. Every time I research schools, or think about going away to college...I get all excited. I.MUST.GO.
I have to...I can't deny this longing within me. But, as of right now...circumstances prevent it. Money, prevents me from fixing my GPA, and I'm not sure what the Lord has for me right now. But, all I can do is all I can do. I'll work, save some money, and then we'll see!

LORD! WORK THIS FOR YOUR GLORY! If you want me to lay down this dream, then I shall. You will provide for me and my future family without college if that is your will.

I love you,
Amen

I'm so excited

The Lord is doing some incredible works in me these days.

Changing my heart, shutting doors, opening others.

The Lord has been speaking to me to work and go to school. But He's also told me to go on this mission trip to Thailand. Well, these interfered with each other A LOT. But now, He's put it on the hearts of all parties involved in coordination of the trip to move it to March, which happens to be the Spring Break for MoCo(and the week of my birth...what a fun b-day, in the mission field!!), where I was planning on going to school.(I know, that's a run-on sentence...or if not, then it should be.) So anyway, God has shut the doors that need to be shut to allow this to happen. I believe he's calling me from one season to another. This new season will produce new fruits, and new harvest. I'm so excited! My life...is happening!!! Wow.

So anyway, all this mushy gushy heart stuff I've been talking about, well, that season as well, is passing. A milestone was achieved today, and I'm gonna leave it at that. But for all of you who may have been praying for me and how to deal with this, thank you very much. Thank you to the person responsible for this milestone...I'm very appreciative of your sensitivity and concern for me...

so anyway, the Lord is drawing me unto Him.

One thing I have desired of the LORD, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD, And to inquire in His temple.

It's coming...I can feel it. He's preparing me, He's maturing me, He's shaping me. I'm falling in love. My maker, He is my husband.

heartache

heartache

my heart aches in it's current state
bleeding out from self inflicted wounds
my eyes choose the weapon, my hand grasps it, my mind stabs,
over and over again.

a dead looking heart.
A decaying mass of cells,
expand, contract...

where did this hatred come from?
where did this utter lack of love come from?
where did I lose sight of you?
when did I stop reflecting?
why is my heart black enough to hate,
but retains it's tenderness when exposed to light...

enough poeticy

my heart has alot of hatred in it...for alot of people.

Not that I hate them, but I have dislikes...and I've hurt people
and yes, there are some that it borders more on hatred than others...
but why?

ah! heart..love! Just like Jesus!

Love is such a beautiful thing!!! Sin is so disgusting, totally unnatractive.
Love love love love love, I want to love...

Daddy teach me how to love, to really love...
take my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh

God I need you so much, I need to be made into something beautiful, something humble, something you will not despise.

Teach me how to die! Show me where to start...where does Nathan start dying and Jesus begin living? GOD HELP ME! I need help with this...I can't do it on my own.

Jesus...I need your heart, your eyes, your mind, your hands....

gentle hands full of healing, your mind, with its beautiful thoughts, your eyes, to see with love, and to see how you see. Your heart, to pour out on people...

You're so wonderful...and gracious and compassionate. Slow to anger and rich in love...

Praise the Lord, oh my soul, praise the LORD!!!

update

I've come somewhat to a point of freedom from this thing. I've chosen to walk in this freedom, and chosen to let this beautiful thing stay just that.

my heart...is fickle. But it will learn to enjoy the beauty of this life that the Lord has created for me.

when will I learn to enjoy living one day at a time? It's not a bad thing to look to the future, but why can't I be content with what I have? With the friends and relationships that I have right now? Heart, appreciate every day individually. The Lord created each and every one with you in mind.

He knows the plans that he has for you, plans to prosper you and give you a hope and a future.

Lord, I know you know the perfect plans you have for me, can I ask that you let me in on them sometime? Can i ask for things? A job, direction pertaining to school? A wife? Someone to love? Or a heart that is content?

You are my hope, Jesus, you are my one real thing.

oh to fall deeper in love with you...

oh to die

now from that title, I'm betting you think I've gone emo. Sorry to dissapoint! I am not emo. But longing, yes, very much.

When was the last time you wanted something so bad, but knew you couldn't have it? Knowing that to have this thing would mean the end of something beautiful. Like to pick a flower, it dies the second you pick it. You can see it, you can smell it and enjoy it. But as soon as you try to take it, it dies. Being so distracted by the longing that it's driving you insane. Not wanting to have it anymore, wanting to die so badly to it, but having it gasp for air still. Why?! Why can't I die to it? I'm trying to be transparent here, without losing all my dignity. But what does dignity have to do with it? Am I simply trying to save face? Why?

LORD LET ME DIE! My flesh, it cringes for life. It convulses and seizes me back to the reality of the world. LORD I WANT YOUR REALITY! Let me lose myself in you, where my longings aren't for the things of the world and the affections of anyone. Jesus, I need you so badly...I need your love, so if you hear me, I need a hero! Please dare to find me! Fly to my rescue and crash through the wall. Announce my freedom, bring me to my senses, gather me into your strong arms, and carry me off...to saftey