update

I've come somewhat to a point of freedom from this thing. I've chosen to walk in this freedom, and chosen to let this beautiful thing stay just that.

my heart...is fickle. But it will learn to enjoy the beauty of this life that the Lord has created for me.

when will I learn to enjoy living one day at a time? It's not a bad thing to look to the future, but why can't I be content with what I have? With the friends and relationships that I have right now? Heart, appreciate every day individually. The Lord created each and every one with you in mind.

He knows the plans that he has for you, plans to prosper you and give you a hope and a future.

Lord, I know you know the perfect plans you have for me, can I ask that you let me in on them sometime? Can i ask for things? A job, direction pertaining to school? A wife? Someone to love? Or a heart that is content?

You are my hope, Jesus, you are my one real thing.

oh to fall deeper in love with you...

oh to die

now from that title, I'm betting you think I've gone emo. Sorry to dissapoint! I am not emo. But longing, yes, very much.

When was the last time you wanted something so bad, but knew you couldn't have it? Knowing that to have this thing would mean the end of something beautiful. Like to pick a flower, it dies the second you pick it. You can see it, you can smell it and enjoy it. But as soon as you try to take it, it dies. Being so distracted by the longing that it's driving you insane. Not wanting to have it anymore, wanting to die so badly to it, but having it gasp for air still. Why?! Why can't I die to it? I'm trying to be transparent here, without losing all my dignity. But what does dignity have to do with it? Am I simply trying to save face? Why?

LORD LET ME DIE! My flesh, it cringes for life. It convulses and seizes me back to the reality of the world. LORD I WANT YOUR REALITY! Let me lose myself in you, where my longings aren't for the things of the world and the affections of anyone. Jesus, I need you so badly...I need your love, so if you hear me, I need a hero! Please dare to find me! Fly to my rescue and crash through the wall. Announce my freedom, bring me to my senses, gather me into your strong arms, and carry me off...to saftey